Biffster's World

Looking back on the first half of 1  Thessalonians, I realized something important: there really wasn’t anything to complain about in it. The first half of this letter was mostly harmless. True, there wasn’t much good in it, but there wasn’t much bad. All in all, I’d call that a wash.

Chapter 4
DRINK! In case you missed it, I came up with a new drinking game. You have to do a shot every time that Paul denigrates sexuality. And he does so here, saying that the Thessalonians must abstain from sexual immorality, denying sex for such base things as passion and lust. Sex should only be done for holiness and honor, of course! That nutty ol’ Paul.

Paul then touches on homosexuality, for the first time in a few books. He does so in a surprisingly measured statement, “you must never take advantage or exploit a brother in this regard.” It is a statement of fact, not a judgement nor commandment.

Well, I guess that is a little bit of a commandment.

Paul then has a little bit of homo-eroticism which amuses me to no end: “You [know] about brotherly love [...] you are showing love to all the brothers throughout Macedonia….”

Yes, I can be juvenile sometimes.

Oh, there’s something else I wanted to mention here. Something serious, actually. Paul is talking about what happens to those who live versus those who die for Christ. Paul states that both groups will be brought together and taken up to be with the Lord. The interesting part is that Paul isn’t speaking in a “this will happen in thousands of years” tone. It sounds very much like Paul believes this will happen soon, before more than a few years or decades have past. He is expecting people who were alive at that point in time to still be alive when Jesus returned.

Chapter 5
Paul asks the Thessalonians to continue as they were, but not to get complacent.

Conclusion
I don’t know what it is, but I almost have a physical sense for how much things have changed from the gospels to Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians. Part of it is Paul’s echo of Jesus’s teachings, of course. When Jesus taught of the day of the lord coming as a thief in the night, the idea was alive, full of savor, exciting, refreshing. Paul’s recitation feels hollow and clinical. Jesus’s vibrant, loving message is slowly losing its spark in the hands of those who want to mold the message into their own concepts.

Up next: Three chapters? Why bother?

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

We’ve cracked into the Ts. Why is this important? I have no idea. Other than there are a lot of books that start with the letter “T” and they are in alphabetical order. I think it does indicate that we are getting closer to the end of the New Testament. And maybe we’ll have a book in here that isn’t written by Paul?

Please?

The First Epistle of Paul to the Thessalonians

Chapter 1
Wow, this is a super-brief chapter to open up this book. Like super-super brief. Paul is not normally concise; this must be some of Timothy’s influence coming through. The only real bit of information in this chapter is that the Holy Spirit crammed the gospel down the throats of the Thessalonians. Or something like that. Don’t blame me, Paul is the one who wrote it in such a boring way.

Chapter 2
Paul goes on to severely patronize the Thessalonians. Seriously, why would they want anything to do with Paul after this letter? Want an example? “Instead, we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother tenderly caring for her own children.” Well, okay, that isn’t severely patronizing. But dear lord, it isn’t treating people as equals, either.

One last bit from this chapter – and it is something that a lot of people grasp desperately to: the gospel is the word of god, not the word of man. That is very handy if you want to make sure that people follow your new religion and don’t question it.

Chapter 3
Paul sent Timothy to Thessalonica, figuring that the Thessalonians had abandoned Paul’s teachings and moved on with their own form of Christianity. Timothy and Paul were delighted to find out, however, that the church at Thessalonica had stayed true to Paul and the gospel. Paul was so happy about this that he can’t find much to chide the Thessalonians for. For Paul, that’s HUGE!

Up next: Paul slowly sucks the color out of the gospel

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

I don’t know if you remember this, but way back when I was reviewing Romans, I worried that it was going to be really hard to read and write about Paul’s letters. Turns out, I was exactly right. This is starting to get quite tedious.

It isn’t the project, mind you. I am quite enjoying working my way through the New Testament. I am still dedicated to making it all the way through the end of Revelations.

The tedious part is Paul’s letters themselves. It seems like every third letter is interesting, while the rest are mindless drivel. How in the world did some of these – and I am looking right at you, Ephesians – get voted into canon? Who did Paul bribe? What were these people smoking? I reckon I’ll never know. Looks like we’ll just have to trudge on to:

The Epistle of Paul to the Romans

Chapter 1
All stuff we’ve heard before. If there were Kinkos back then, Paul could’ve just made copies of the first part of his letters. They are generic and cookie-cutter-ish. All things were made through Christ who is the son of the almight God, do good deeds and live accordingly. Paul doesn’t miss the chance to brag about himself, of course, and writes that he has suffered greatly for the people of the church. At one point, Paul talks about his suffering in a way that reminds me of that albino guy in The Da Vinci Code. “I am rejoicing in my sufferings for you…”

Chapter 2
This chapter is more interesting if you frame it as Paul being self-referential. And not realizing it, of course. Paul warns the Colossians not to listen to people who would tell them how to live, what to eat, etc. He writes “let no one who delights in humility and the worship of angels cheat you out of the prize…” Of course, the second you talk about humility, you leave Paul completely out of the picture, so that kinda ruins the effect.

Paul also circles back to talk about one of his pet subjects: circumcision. This time around, Paul states that people are being circumcised, that Jesus has circumcised them to remove the sin from them. So every Christian apparently has undergone this spiritual circumcision. I hope no one had to feel that pain!

Chapter 3
I just thought up of a new drinking game: do a shot whenever Paul talks about the evils of sex. So take a shot right now! Paul states that followers of Christ should put to death the impulses of sexual sin, impurity, passion and others. Passion? Really, Paul? Also, Christians should get rid of anger, wrath, obscene language, etc. All in all, Paul is setting up an impossible standard for people to meet. Is he doing this on purpose, to try and challenge the new followers? Or is he giving himself a back-handed compliment, saying that he is strong enough to do what others will not?

The rest of the chapter is a xerox of what we’ve read in previous books: women be subject to their husbands, husbands love their wives, children do as their parents say. Slaves must obey their masters, etc. etc. etc.

Chapter 4
Another of Paul’s overwrought closing chapters. This time, Paul name checks about a dozen people, including Luke and JESUS!!! JESUS IS THERE!!!! Oh, no, wait, it’s a different Jesus. Paul, do you have any idea how confusing that was? SHEESH!!!!

Conclusion
Thus ends another epistle. I really have nothing else to say. Well, nothing constructive anyway.

Up next: The Bible Is Not the Word of Paul. Seriously!

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

When Paul writes a good book, it is decent and interesting at parts. It is enough to keep one turning the pages, in other words. However, when Paul writes a bad book, he writes one that could reduce a man to tears. Tears of boredom, frustration, despair… Ephesians was one of those books. It was so boring and non-sensical that the best thing about it was another of Paul’s descents into sexism.

Once again I find myself apprehensive of the next book in the New Testament. What does Philippians hold in store for me?

The Epistle of Paul to the Philippians

Chapter 1
Whoa, talk about some major developments: Paul is writing this letter from prison! Thanks to Acts of the Apostles, we already knew that Paul spent time in jail. This is the first first-hand account of Paul’s time in prison. Or at least it is the first one that I remember. Did another sneak in that I have forgotten about? Hmmm… no, I don’t think so. But I digress.

Paul is in prison but he wants to put forward a brave face to keep his followers confident. Paul does this by suggesting suicide would be a good option.

Wait, what was that?

Paul sated that he wished he were dead, so he could be reunited with Christ. But he also knows that it’d be best for his followers if he were alive and continued teaching and leading everyone to Christ. And so, as much as he wishes otherwise, he will cling to life for the good of the church.

Of course, there is one other thing that keeps Paul going: The Others. In Paul’s case, these are the Jewish elders who plague him in his travels. Because of these, Paul will choose to hang on to life. And the Philippians should rest assured that The Others will be destroyed.

Chapter 2
Ummmm…. okay… Paul goes off a little weird here at the end of this chapter. Apparently one of the Philippians, Epaphroditus, had been staying with Paul. Epa got sick, and almost died. Epa recovered, but news of his grave illness spread back to Philippi. Both Epa and Paul heard that the Philippians assumed the worse, and were grieving because of it. So Paul sent Epa back to Philippi, to reassure everyone there.

The rest of the chapter is Paul preparing the Philippians for his death. At this point, it isn’t certain whether Paul will live or be killed. Paul realizes that his followers may have to carry on without his leadership.

Chapter 3
A couple of things here. First, we must beware of dogs, evil workers, and mutilators. Thanks, Paul! I’ll make a mental note of it now. I must especially be careful of dogs. Looks like my kiddos won’t be getting a puppy any time soon. Sorry kids, but it is in the bible!

Second, Paul likes to recount the story of his past, including being a Pharisee who loved to persecute Christians. (Paul also gives himself props for being circumcised. Ouchie!) In Paul’s own words, he was perfect! But he gladly gave up all of those things so that he could follow Christ. He doesn’t ask this of his followers, but says that god will do their thinking for them, and they will then know the right thing to do. Or something. I kinda gave up on this chapter somewhere along here.

Chapter 4
Oh, wow, we are to the end of this book! I didn’t realize it, ’til I got to verse 20 or so. I thought that it sounded like Paul was wrapping things up, and then suddenly *poof* there was the “may the grace of the Lord…” Talk about great news! It is over. OVER!!!! As for the chapter itself? Paul says he is thankful for the Philippians, since they stood by him at the beginning when no one else would. The Philippians also apparently gave Paul room and board when he needed it, so Pal is forever indebted to them.

Conclusion
Well, at least it was short!

Up next: New Testament Drinking Game!

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

I don’t have much to say here. Ephesians is mostly ignorable, except for the big batch of sexism coming up. Otherwise? Nothing to see here, folks…

Chapter 5
The meat of this chapter starts about 20 verses in. The sexist in Paul comes to the forefront again, as he once again states that women are not equals to their husbands. Paul commands that women must submit themselves to their husbands, just as they would to the lord. He repeats again that a man is the head of the wife, and the woman should be submissive to their husband in everything.

Paul apologists try to the next verse as proof that Paul isn’t actually sexist, as he commands that husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies, and nourish them thusly. The chapter ends up, however, with the indicative line, “wives should respect their husbands.”

At least Paul is consistent.

Chapter 6
Paul touches on slavery, saying that slaves should do as their masters say, and that masters should treat their slaves justly. Interestingly enough, Paul doesn’t say “the lord will not tolerate slavery. Which you’d think would be pretty clear from Jesus’s life, but hey, I’m not the man writing these letters.

Paul’s last bit of advice for the Ephesians: gear up with God’s armor (+5 DEF), the belt of truth (+2 CHR) and the breastplate of righteousness (+3 ATT). Add it all up, and the church should be able to fight off “rulers.. authorities.. cosmic powers in the darkness…evil spiritual forces from heaven.” Sounds like it’d be one pretty awesome campaign, perhaps it’ll make it into the next release of World of Warcraft.

Anyway, Paul finishes up, and we can walk away from another dull, boring book.

Up next: Can’t get worse than this…

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

I really should take some time out to do some research here. There are some details that I am uncertain of. For example, which of Paul’s letters were written first? How do they relate time-wise to the letters from Paul and Timothy? When do the letters relate to Paul’s travels as described in Acts?

The chronological order of Paul’s letters would assist me in figuring out Paul’s moods. Paul sounded annoyed in Romans and pissed off in both letters to the Corinthians. However, he sounded genial and paternal in his letter to the Galatians. Could Paul have just been having good/bad years? This is actually intriguing to me…

Anyway, let’s move on to:

The Epistle of Paul to the Ephesians

Chapter 1
God is great, and has put Jesus in charge of everything. Save yourself from reading the other 22 verses: this is the sum total of the chapter.

Chapter 2
Paul gives a different take on why Jesus was crucified. In this one, Jesus’s death killed the hostility between the uncircumcised and circumcised, creating a unified nation under god. This allowed Gentiles to take a place in the church, to be brought back to life after being dead because of their prior place in the world.

Chapter 3
Amen! Moving on…

Chapter 4
Jesus went into hell, then rose above to the heavens. He has given people gifts, for some to be apostles and preachers and teachers and plain ol’ Joes. All to strengthen the church and its members of course.

Do you know what else will help strengthen members of the church? Abstaining from sex, of course! Paul returns to his pet subject, stating that those Gentiles who turned away from god abandoned themselves to sensuality and sexual perversion. Since they aren’t doing so with Paul, it is not a good thing at all.

Paul demands that everyone move on to a new life, stripping away the frailty and faults of their old ways of life. He wants people to no longer lie, be angry, quarrel or – and this is the fun one – talk dirty. Again with disparaging sex! Paul, have ye no shame?

Up next: Sexism in disguise?

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.