Biffster's World

I have to say, 1 Corinthians is turning out to be much more entertaining than I expected. Mostly because the last four chapters pertained to Paul not having sex. That explains a lot about Paul’s character and general disposition. I am able to re-frame my view of Paul. I understand his writings a little better.

Mind you, that doesn’t mean that I like what Paul is writing any more than I used to. But I at least understand why he’s so bitter.

Chapter 9
Every now and then, Paul has a chapter where he covers a number of random topics. It’s like a cornucopia of arcane musings. This is one of those chapters. First off, Paul proclaims it is perfectly okay for the church leaders to collect money from the church members. Food, too. Televangelists, rejoice! Then Paul says that he refuses to be paid because it makes him stronger in the lord. Then he says that he becomes who he preaches to. e.g. a Jew when he preaches to the Jews, weak when he preaches to the weak, etc. Good to know that Paul isn’t above deception to get more people into his church. Oh, and he finishes up with self-flagellation. I know what chapter Dan Brown has been reading!

Chapter 10
Paul starts using his knowledge of scripture again. It is the Pharisee in him that is most interesting. He lists the trials and tribulations that the ancient Israelites went through, and tells the believers that they must also resist temptation. In a counterpoint to Romans, Paul says that a person can resist, and that god won’t give you more temptation than what you have the strength to resist. I call bullshit on that one.

Oh, Paul is also still hungry. Was gluttony his biggest weakness? Paul repeals the scriptural ban on pigs and shellfish, saying that everything is allowable, as long as it doesn’t lead one into idolatry. So no Golden Calf cereal.

Chapter 11
Let’s see: a man should not have long hair, a woman should keep a hat on, people shouldn’t eat and drink without sharing, and people should eat at home if they are going to be meeting for Communion later that night. What an odd chapter.

I was going to just gloss over 1 Corinthians 11, but I actually feel like I need to say more. Because this is one of the more obviously sexist/misogynistic chapters in the bible. The whole woman/hat thing specifically shows this sexism. A woman should cover her head, either with a hat or with hair, to give glory to her man. The man gives glory to god. Or even more starkly, in verse 3: “Now I want you to realize that Christ is the head of every man, and man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of Christ.”

Man is the head of the woman. WTF?

Sexism, thy name is Paul!

Chapter 12
God has given everyone different abilities, but none are more important than the other. I am still chuckling over one line: “the foot says, “’Since I’m not a hand, I’m not part of the body.’”

Up next: Paul keeps chucking the first stones.

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

I need to give a Parental Notice here. This entry deals with sex. If you feel that children must be protected from the mention of sex, then you won’t want to let them read this entry. There’s nothing explicit here. Well, at least nothing more explicit than Paul writes in his letter. That is a little explicit, though. Consider yourself warned!

Of course, if you don’t want your children to read profanity, you shouldn’t let them read this blog series at all!

For those of you who are still reading this entry, my interpretation of the following four chapters may seem like sheer fiction. I swear to you, though, that Paul actually does write about these things. If you don’t buy what I am selling, you can read the four chapters yourself. And if you disagree with me, you should also leave a comment below. I love to hear your dissenting opinions!

These four chapters all pertain to sex. Specifically Paul telling his followers – er, I mean Christ’s followers – to abstain from sex because it is sinful and keeps one from loving God and being close to Jesus. Or something. My personal opinion is that Paul wasn’t getting any, so he wanted to make sure no one else was getting any, either.

Chapter 5
Paul is deeply offended by one instance of sexual immorality: one of the members of the church is sleeping with his step-mother. Granted, that is really weird. But this once again sends Paul into a tirade. He demands that this man be removed from the church, sent away so that Satan can destroy the man’s body. It’s the only way that god can save the man. Nope, doesn’t make sense to me. Sounds like the rantings of a bitter, crazy old man. I wonder how old Paul was at this point?

You know the idea of “judge not lest ye be judged?” Paul ain’t having no truck with that. Paul basically says straight-out that he can judge those inside the church, it is only outsiders that cannot be judged by man.

Do you see why I say that Paul diverged from Christ’s teachings? Would Jesus say “ah, as long as they are in the church, you can judge them”?

Chapter 6
Paul really, really doesn’t like sexual immorality. I am thinking that he wasn’t getting any at the time. Was Paul married? Did he have a “special” travel mate? The bible doesn’t say for certain (or at least it hasn’t yet). Maybe getting laid would’ve helped Paul get over his sexual hang-ups.

Paul does list those who definitely won’t go to heaven: “sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunks, slanderers, and robbers.” Which leaves out basically the entire Republican party.

Chapter 7
Want proof that Paul is sexually frustrated? How about I Corinthians 7:1 “It’s good for a man not to touch a woman.” Because people shouldn’t have sex if Paul isn’t getting any! Paul also wishes that everyone could be like him and not have sex. A quote from It’s a Wonderful Life comes to mind, ‘cuz Paul is definitely “a warped, frustrated old man.” Again I ask, why did people choose to follow Paul instead of Apollos or Peter?

Oh, the chapter goes on in this vein for a while: If a man cannot control his sexual urges, then he should get married. But someone who isn’t having sex is living with the lord.

In the midst of all of this is a passage that caused slave owners to forbid teaching their slaves to read: I Corinthians 7:21-23. Especially “if you have a chance to become free, take advantage of the opportunity.”

Chapter 8
Paul is hungry again, and devotes a chapter to eating and not eating meat. I dunno, you tell me.

Up next: Sexism, thy name is Paul!

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

• "Nice RT @infidelqueen #tatatuesday http://twitpic.com/22xugg" -@Jesmi69 // yeah they are! #
• RT @courtkneerawks: Every time I hear "In the Air Tonight" I have a sudden urge to pee in Mike Tyson's pool and steal a cop car. <– LMAO! #
• It's gonna be one of those mornings where I don't move from the coffee pot. #insomnia #
• It's gonna be one of those mornings where I don't move from the coffee pot. #insomnia #
• New techie blog post: iPhone 3g and iOS 4 http://bit.ly/8XcV5f #
• Finally, the Coast Guard is doing its job: threatening reporters with prison time and $40k fines. http://ow.ly/27EPI /via @BPGlobalPR <- LOL #
• RT @Syfy: Reminder, I'm giving away my #Syfy Flip UltraHD camcorder to someone who RTs this note by 5pm PT on 7/9. http://twitpic.com/22y6ls #
• +1 RT @artbynemo just moved "play with huge fake boobs" in front of "visit grand canyon" on my bucket list #
• RT @tessasdad @twistedxtian: Dear fellow Christians: Please stop telling ppl you can fix the fact that they are gay, like it is a problem. #
• RT @DaddyYoEffinRox RT @biffster: New blog post: Paul -vs- everyone else (I Corinthians 1-4) http://bit.ly/a0n3tW #bible <– Thanks John! #
• I am not a Mac/OS X guy, but I have to say that #nambu is *THE* best Twitter client I've ever used. #
• I am not a Mac/OS X guy, but I have to say that #nambu is *THE* best Twitter client I've ever used. #
• Hmmm… should I group @todayshow as News or "News" ? #
• RT @KateHarding RT @AmandaMarcotte RT @kombiz Wow DOMA just got struck down in court – http://bit.ly/9FZq8t #
• RT @FrankConniff The next time life gives me lemons, I'm going to throw them at Sharron Angle – http://tiny.cc/k18tk <– LMAO!!! #
• #ff @rnbetty 'cuz she writes "tart," @ms_stiletto for awesomeness, @chris_kasten a Denver geek and @snowkitten 'cuz EVERY1 should follow her #
• #ff @jesmi69 a former Colorado valley resident. And she's kinda mean sometimes. #
• RT @1HottMommyof3 RT @FreakyFact: You can lose 5-10 pounds a year, just by having sex 10 times a month. Now that's an interesting #SexDiet #
• RT @HomerJSimpson I’m gonna become a bank and ask for Federal bailout money. It’s obvious I’m too fat to fail. #
• #whyivote To keep loonies like Michelle Bachman out of Colorado. #
• Hello @paparocks6! I am a fellow father, tweeter and blogger. #
• RT @IAm1HotMess A man will pay $10 for $5 item he needs. Woman will pay $5 for $10 item she doesn't need, because it's on sale.THAT is so me #
• Another daddy blogger! Thanks for the follow, @Daddymojo. #

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My dear lord, I cannot tell you how painful reading Romans was. It was bad enough that I considered walking away from this project.  A large part of me wanted to say, “Yeah, screw this, this is too painful.” Especially realizing that I have another half-dozen letters from Paul to trudge through. But if I abandon this project, who else is going to provide you with a New Testament in Review? So I am staying on and I will finish this just for you, dear reader.

We have another letter from Paul up next. It’s another long one (16 chapters).  I learned one thing from Romans: there’s no reason to go into detail reviewing each chapter. Paul is just repeating himself in these letters. In other words: Expect these chapters to FLY!

First Epistle to the Corinthians

Chapter 1
Oh, this letter is co-written by Paul and Sosthenes. I’ve never heard of Sosthenes, so I am assuming his contribution will be small. There’s a lot of division in the church right now. A lot of Chrstians want to follow Apollos or Cephas instead of Paul. Paul points out that it was Jesus who was crucified, not any of the disciples, so everyone should follow Jesus and not the disciples. By which, of course, Paul means that everyone should follow him, since he alone knows Jesus’s words.

I glanced over this originally, but it is important. Cephas is the Amramaic spelling/pronunication of Peter. That is, the Peter that many say Jesus wanted to be the cornerstone of the new church. This section of this chapter is basically saying that there were differences between what Peter and Paul wrote, differences that were big enough to split believers between the two camps. What were these differences? We don’t really know, because Paul won out. Whether Paul’s message was more accurate than Peter’s doesn’t matter: people chose Paul’s words.

How different would modern Christianity be now if it were based on Peter’s teachings?

Chapter 2
Paul does’t speak words of God’s wisdom unless he’s among believers. People who aren’t spiritual won’t understand the wisdom of the spirit.No one can know or understand what god does or says. Except for Paul, of course. I sense a theme here.

Chapter 3
Paul beings to sound a little threatened by Apollos. (I had no idea that there was an Apollos ’til Paul started mentioning him by name.) Paul refers to himself as the planter, and Apollos as the waterer. Paul also states that he was giving people the gospel in small, easy to eat morsels because they weren’t ready for solid food (the real truth and wisdom of the lord) yet. With that kind of condescension, who can blame people for looking to someone else for their spiritual needs? I just seriously don’t understand how people decided that Paul was the way to go.

Chapter 4
Wow, Paul is really wigging out here. The division among followers has really thrown him off the deep end. He tells his readers that they don’t have a right to judge him, that remains God’s domain. Apollos and he are equals, neither one greater than the other. There are many spiritual leaders in the church, but only a few fathers. Of which, of course, Paul is one. And Apollos is not. Neither is Timothy. And Paul may travel soon, and may come with either a stick or a gentle spirit. Really? Threats? Paul, is that the best you can do?

Up next: Poor Paul isn’t getting any…

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

Happy Independence Day, everyone! We home that you have a wonderful Fourth of July. New Testament in Review articles will continue starting July 8th. Until then, have a great holiday!

[Quick note: There will not be a new entry on July 5th in celebration of Independence Day. The next article will be published on July 8th. Happy Fourth of July, everyone!]

Well, I did it. I made it to the end of this book. I don’t know how, but I survived. Let me  get an AMEN!!!

Umm… So… hmmm… I don’t know what the hell Paul is trying to get at here. There’s a lot of talk about eating and not criticizing each other and not destroying god’s work for the sake of food? I don’t know. It’s a mess. I can only take a guess that Paul was really hungry when he got to this part of the letter?

Paul starts out by explaining why he is exempt from the “be humble” rule he stated earlier. He apparently believes that the Holy Spirit made him a priest by god’s grace. Since he is a priest, he can boast about what he is doing. See, it is this kind of stuff that makes me think Paul used Jesus’s name and story to build his own church. Paulianity instead of Christianity, if you get my meaning. Paul seems to allow himself a lot of indulgences. Do as he says, not as he does!

The end of this chapter starts to feel like a letter again. Paul gives his travel plans (Jerusalem, Rome, Spain).

Hey, Paul didn’t write this letter! He dictated it, and Tertius transcribed it. Of course, that doesn’t matter in the slightest. Paul finishes off the chapter by acquainting the Romans with a bunch of members of his church.

Paul also speaks of divisions among the church. Apparently there are others who are also preaching a new religion based on Jesus Christ. Paul says that these others are serving their own desires, and not Christ. Which is interesting, as this sounds exactly like what Paul is doing. Paul warns people to watch for smooth talk and flattering words. Hmmm…

Hey, it’s the end! Can you all join me in saying: “THANKS BE TO GOD!!!!” That was one long, grueling book. It was actually worse than I thought it was going to be. That is saying a lot, because I feared it was going to be very bad. Those of you who are of the Christian faith will find a lot of your church’s dogma in this letter. Paul lays the dogma down pretty straight, and many Christian sects are based completely on Paul’s letters.

For those of us who aren’t Christians? It seems like Paul took a lot of liberties with the legend of Jesus Christ, and used that to craft a religion that Paul wanted to see? I don’t see a lot of Christ’s teachings here in Paul’s epistle (aside from Chapter 12, which echoes Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount). I don’t know, and that topic is out of the scope of this project. It’s just something that I’ll keep in the back of my mind: do people nowadays practice Christianity or Paulianity?

Up next: Another letter? EGAH!

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.