Biffster’s World

This is something that I run across sometimes at work: extremely defensive people. A very good friend of mine at work is one of my favorite people to be around. But she is kind of exhausting to be around, too, because she is a Highly Defensive Person. Especially when she is tired or stressed. As much as I like talking to her and spending time with her, I feel like I have to walk a tight-rope, watching everything that I say to make sure that I don’t trigger a defensive reaction. Exhausting… yeah, that’s a good word.

So I was reading an article on Beliefnet about how to protect one’s self when around a highly defensive person. This was very interesting, since I had never heard the term “highly defensive person” (HDP) until I read that article. And I know won’t be able to forget it. It’ll always be in my noggin’. The author, Martha Beck, describes an HDP thusly:

But defensive people don’t think like humans. They think like reptiles. I mean this literally. Beneath the elaborate neural structures that mediate our subtle social interactions, we all possess what scientists call a reptilian brain. This ancient biological structure, which evolved in reptiles, isn’t capable of nuanced emotion or logical thought. Its primary driving force is fear. Two fears, to be specific.

I think that calling people reptiles goes a little above and beyond - and might just have a little touch of meanness to it - but the general gist of the analogy makes sense.  And definitely seems to apply in my case. However, I have to disagree with Beck’s statement that one can’t have a “functional, trusting, relaxed, mutually satisfying human relationship with a highly defensive person.”

Well, okay, maybe not the relaxed part.

But the rest seems possible. Our friendship is functional, I trust her implicitly and she mostly trusts me, we both seem to be satisfied with the outcomes of our friendship. I do admit that I wish she could be more relaxed at times, but other than that, it’s good.

Beck’s advice is to do one of two things: either put up a strong emotional shell, and resist the urge to respond defensively to the HDP, or to stand up to the attack and defuse it. That actually isn’t a problem for me. I am one of the most patient people that I know. [grin] I especially have patience when it comes to my friend. 98% of the time, I either don’t have the urge to defend myself from one of her defensive attacks, or am able to easily deflect it. Every now and then she throws something my way that gets through and either hurts or gets a crabby response out of me, but that is rare.

So I am obviously a defusing type of person. I am able to do that most of the time with my buddy. Listening, acknowledging what is said, and reminding her that, in the big picture, everything is all right. That’s how I withstand the storm. It seems to work very well for our friendship.

This has turned out to be a much longer post than I meant it to be. I was looking for information at handling people to pass on to my successor here at work, and this article piqued my interest.

Wow! Starbucks is going to change the way they make coffee? And the way that their stores are set up? That is actually very cool. Though it won’t change my main beef about Starbucks: they make it far too easy for me to spend too much money there.

[grin]

Highlands Ranch mom arrested in prostitution sting - The Denver Post
A Highlands Ranch mother has been arrested on suspicion of prostitution and child abuse after authorities received complaints that prostitution might be occurring at the woman’s home.

The suspect is identified as Sheri Sims, 39, who lives in the 10000 block of South Cedaridge Court, said Deputy Cocha Heyden, spokeswoman for the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office.

First off, I am actually kinda surprised that this kinda thing would happen in my area. Domestic assault, sure. Sexual assault, probably. But prostitution? That seems like something that Highlands Ranch folks would head over to one of the other suburbs for. Or head into the city. Prostitution seems like something one would want to keep far from one’s home.

Second - and I am aware this will sound like a racist statement, but it really isn’t: why couldn’t the woman be white? Out of the 90,000 people living in Highlands Ranch, there’s like 35 of us who aren’t white. Having a non-caucasian do something like this can (and probably will) reinforce racial stereotypes here in the Ranch.

“We know the battle ahead will be long. But always remember that, no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change…

“We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics. And they will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks and months to come…

“Yes, we can heal this nation. Yes, we can seize our future….

“And, together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story, with three words that will ring from coast to coast, from sea to shining sea: Yes, we can.”

Vote Obama